Sex Therapy
Learn how to connect to your body, nurture your erotic mind, understand your feelings, fuel your fantasies, embrace your needs, own your pleasure, and join in closeness to the vibrancy, vitality, and humanity of others in moments of deep intimacy.
Sex is about so much more than the physical act of intercourse. Sex is about connection, intimacy, eroticism, sensuality, adventure, vitality, curiosity, empowerment, risk, exploration, closeness, security, freedom, pleasure. Sex is about being in connection to our body, mind, and soul.
You hear everyone talk about sex as if it’s something incredible, something to be desired, but to you, sex isn’t anything special. In fact, it’s not even something you really want. You find yourself having sex because you’re supposed to enjoy it—right?—or because your partner wants it, but you feel empty and numb inside, waiting until it’s over and you can turn away. Sex has become a chore, a responsibility, one more thing that someone needs or expects of you. It’s something that you are asked to give, but it drains you, seeps your vitality rather than fuels it. You can’t begin to understand why people think sex is such a big deal…
You feel broken
You feel ashamed
You find yourself turned on and aroused by things that simultaneously make you squirm inside. Your sex life feels boring and dull. You want more excitement, more spontaneity, more fun, more thrill. But when you turn to activities that feel good in the moment but are risky or fleetingly pleasurable, you feel guilty and ashamed. You want a more meaningful sex life, but don’t know how to get it without compromising your own values…
You feel uncertain and confused
Your partner keeps asking what you like in bed, what turns you on and turns you off, but you can’t even begin to know how to answer this question. You kind of shrug your shoulders and say, “I don’t know…not that…do something else…that feels ok…it was all right, I guess…” Your partner asks for more specific feedback, but you get frustrated that you’re being asked to provide information you don’t have. You feel confused, uncertain. Are you supposed to know how to do this? How does everyone else know what they’re doing? You’re partner feels inadequate. Your sex life feels unfulfilled and uninspiring. You don’t know what do to…
You feel frustrated and disappointed
You don’t feel like you’re asking for too much, but each time you try to initiate sex, your partner turns you down and makes you feel like the bad guy. You wish your partner would desire you, want to have sex with you. But, instead, sex doesn’t happen unless you initiate it, and even then it only happens under very specific circumstances that your partner requires. You feel controlled. You feel let down. You feel deprived. This isn’t what it’s supposed to be like, you tell yourself. There must be something wrong with your partner or with you for the way they consistently reject you…
…You feel pressured, cajoled, and—at times—coerced into having sex when you don’t want it. You don’t feel like your “no” is ever truly respected. You feel there are consequences when you don’t have sex; nothing ever overt, but things like a partner who is more cold, less helpful, and more irritable with you. You don’t feel safe or emotionally connected to your partner, and yet are expected to be physically available and ready for sex. You feel used. You feel exploited. This isn’t what you expected a partnership to look like…
What is sex therapy?
Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy focused on helping you navigate concerns about sex, your sexual relationship, and your relationship to your erotic body and mind. Whether you need help navigating pain during sex, difficulty achieving an orgasm, low libido or no interest in sex, difficulty obtaining or maintaining an erection, shame or guilt around your sexual interests or behaviors, or feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled in your sex life, sex therapy can help you understand what’s going on and what you can do to navigate the situation in more effective ways.
We start off by exploring your sexological worldview, which is a fancy way of saying we unpack the messages that you have internalized around sex, sexuality, pleasure, your body, gender norms, and relationships. These messages have come from many different places, including your family, friends, education systems, religious organizations, community, media, and significant romantic relationships. We work to understand the narratives you have around how sex is “supposed” to look, your sexual script around the unspoken rules of sex. We unpack your values around sex and how those values support or hinder your relationship to sex. We also zoom out and look at the larger context that you exist in today. This includes external stressors (work, finances, parenting, in-laws, health) and relationship stressors, each of which may contribute to your interest and capacity for sex and sexual connection. If needed, I would provide referrals for you to meet with other medical providers for evaluation and treatment, depending on your specific situation.
We then work together to meaningfully address any of the blocks or stuck points we’ve uncovered by rewriting sexual scripts that don’t work for you anymore, helping you connect more meaningfully with your body, transform any relationship dances around sex that need some new moves, and teach you specific techniques to explore yourself and your partner in new ways. Sex Therapy works best when you engage meaningfully during the session and commit to doing the work outside of the session too. Some of the techniques we will explore together are:
Sensate focus therapy
Types of touch and how to match touch to your stage of arousal
Identifying your values around sex and intimacy and discovering ways of moving toward those values
Communication skills to help partners talk about their sexual needs and preferences
Identify unmet emotional needs
Observe and transform the relational cycle between partners, especially when there is mismatched desire
Understand your turn-ons and turn-offs
Learn initiation and exit strategies
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Pelvic pain/pain during sex or intercourse/painful sex
Low interest, arousal, or desire
Difficulty achieving orgasm
Difficulty getting or maintaining an erection
Premature ejaculation
Finding pleasure
Sex through aging
Sex through medical problems
Sex after infidelity
Concerns around porn use
Poor body image/low self-confidence
Lack of education/knowledge/skills
“Sex addiction”
Religion and sexuality
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Mismatched desire
Rekindling desire
Sex after an affair
Difficulty communicating about sex/poor communication
Learning how to add more pleasure to your sex life
Exploring ENM and kink
Deepening intimacy
Deepening sex in long-term, committed relationships
Boredom in your sex life
Connecting intimately
Sex through different life stages
Making time for sex
